Archive | November, 2010

Some Things I Need to Tweak About Myself

29 Nov

1.  I don’t know when it happened. I never knew this about myself. I am a procrastinator. Like, a resident procrastinator. Like, I wear a crown. With diamonds. Rhinestones. I have ideas that have been percolating in my brain crevices for years. I am a classic giver-upper. Note to self: This needs serious tweaking.

2.  I find myself growling at poor drivers. I mean, why do some people use their turn signal only when they’re in a turn only lane?? But these same maniacs will cross four lanes of traffic on a highway to not miss their exit. With no signal. These types of people unnerve me. To the hills. As in I think dirty, dirty thoughts regarding their plight in life. Note to self: Learn the art of ignoring others even when they put your life in danger. And especially when they have goofy bumper stickers on their cars like PRACTICE RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS.

3.  I don’t have to have dessert every day. Yeah, right.  I mean, who says that just because I ate two tons of starch that I have to finish it off with some diabetic-level round-off? (I believe this began in childhood; dessert was the sheer reason we ate our food, cleaned our plates, ate odd foods such as leafy green vegetables in the first place…to get to dessert. A grand dessert finale was always used as a tool of adult manipulation. “If you don’t finish those black-eyed peas, you won’t get any ice cream…” I blame my upbringers. They did this to me.) To this  day I don’t just eat dessert after dinner; I eat dessert after lunch. I’m sugar pathetic. Note to self: Find some other way to end aforementioned starch fest: Gnash teeth instead.

4.  I have a tendency to hold my breath. When I’m in tense situations. When I think about anything that’s annoying / taxing / frightening / dreaded, etc., etc. I often wonder if the bottom of my lungs even experience true air. Hmm. “True air”– I like that term. Note to self: Breathing exercises. Daily.

5.  I must really, really, really, really, really like myself. I mean, I must dig the very fibers of me. Surely I do because I find myself needing, craving, must-having solitude as much as possible. When I’m around other people particularly for prolonged periods of time (like, at work in a cubicle environment or at a party/gathering or even in a crowded Target while post-Thanksgiving shoppers shove my backside with their red baskets) I suddenly need to be alone. I thrive off of peace and quiet. Problem is, it’s been elusive for a looooooooooong time. Note to self: Afford a gated compound. 

6.  Fake it ’til you make it. That’s it. I know that’s it but I fail to adhere to it. Instead I’m blunt, rude when necessary, impatient, brash, audacious, raw and, well, I don’t have a shut-off valve. I’m the person who doesn’t even know I’ve hurt other people’s feelings. In order to survive such a flaw, this is probably why I love fellow blunters people like Pink. Or Roseanne Barr. There’s something to dig about people who just speak their minds with zilch regard to others’ “feelings” all the time. Sometimes the truth just needs to be let out. I’m so not an elephant-in-the-living-room type of girl. I leak. And burst. I ruin carpets. Note to self: Dwell on hardwood floors only.

7. I need to always remember that winter lasts a matter of months. I dread winter. I fear winter. I fret over the first sign of cold. Some people have nightmares about driving off a cliff or accidentally chopping off their index finger . I’ve had nightmares about freezing to death. Or just being really, really cold. I once had a coworker ask me if I had ice in my veins as I sat shivering near a space heater in my cubicle  in the dead of August. I could hibernate every winter and not go near a window or step one foot outside. I could do it. All I need is a paid mortgage/rent and someone to go fetch my groceries. I may become a snowbird like my Godmother. Note to self: Make enough money to flee to Florida each October thru April.

Gone tweakin’.

B.e.arded Confession

12 Nov

You wouldn’t believe it but the searches that came to this blog for all kinds of weird b.e.a.r.d (dots are deliberate) inquiries just made me delete this posting.

Wow. Amazing what a blogger finds out from search terms.

There is some serious neurosis out there among us.